Why in the world do people make the same mistakes over and over again? This is a mistake too. i should not be blogging,.. i should be studying for my exam but i am engaging in what may be to many bright and sensible minds a colossal waste f time. Nevertheless i am intent on writing today, about something that is clawing at my brains. So here goes.
About 10 years ago i learnt something very valuable- to not take a guy seriously. i dont mean literally. Anyway, as i was young and naive i refused to believe what i then sensed and now know for a fact- it's best to be single, non-discriminating, and to develop a switch that could serve the purpose for me to 'feel' when i want to and completely not 'feel' when i dont want to- i learnt however in the last ten years (several times over) that none of these is really up to me. For instance, i have not been able to be single through that span even though i wanted to be, i have been pretty severely discriminating about men in particular and that leaves me with so few to consider that it gets severely difficult, and lastly there is no switch. Infact, if there is one it works the other way round. hm. it is the strangest dichotomy of a person's life that although he/she is definitely happier being single, he/she longs to be in a situation that invites unhappiness. i could go into a sociological enquiry of the different ways in which different people , men and women, choose their status- why they do so and so on. However that would only hinder my current thought process. As i was saying I have been very careful to NOT invite unhappiness, stay clear of trouble etc etc. recently, however i have discovered that denial is not a very good thing because instead of helping one forget something one does not want to remember, acknowledge or whatever, it acts as a catalyst in invogorating the very things one is seeking to be in denial about. phew. that is the simplest way i could have discreetly described my state of affairs. it is creating havok on my simple life and my thought process has gone for a toss.
i am too sleepy to continue with my story now, so i think i will write about the role played by the internet in this whole process in my next post. till next time then.

the past one week has been one hell of a roller coaster. i finally found what i was looking for...its in front of me..and now that i am looking at it, i'm scared that i may lose it again. i wish i could capture it for good and never ever be scared of losing it again.

Delhi is beginning to get cold, i love winters but the characteristic feature for me every winter is to get grimmer and lonelier.. since it is my favorite season i suppose that can be explained.. or can't it? In Shillong, while still in school, i grew up looking at each winter as a transition period.. as our final exams would end in November, results were out by december and the prospect fo being a year senior made winter seem a really fun time..(for me at least). Being this optimistic child that i was, i would always believe that the next school year would bring me fame and glory. it happened i must admit, but not in every way that i wanted of course. The only thing i didn't like about winters then was that the day was short and because it would dark real quick my playtime was cut short. these days what i don't like about winters is the morose air. i suppose it is just me, but i wish i could capture my happiness and spread it across the year but it eludes me.
'The Alternative' is a something i want to write. in it i want to capture my years in Shillong and the possibilities that eluded me then. i think possibilities elude me everyday but when i look at my growing up years, and i would include up to my third year in college, i see that somewhere, i took a path that eventually became a labyrith. and what i look for is somewhere there.. just don't know how to capture it. will get back on this in my next post.

..its been over a month since this blog was created for the purpose of sharing random thoughts, and finally i have decided to post something. What kept me away from writing for a while?..well, the first time i wrote something , the day this blog was created, the damn thing didn't get posted.. see the first time one writes something for something particular, one attaches special attention, and effort. so the disappointment was also particularly bad when i discovered that the thing didn't exist at all after all that trouble. Anyway i have recovered from the pain and humiliation and am ready to write again. .. before i pick a particular theme.. i'd like to rewrite certain things that i did one the first day..i remember thanking Anky for introducing me to blog-dom. and once again i pay my tribute to the most and consistently dedicated net freak i know. It would be worth mentioning that i have never been quite comfortable sharing what i write esp. random thoughts with people.. and here i am posting it on world wide web.. quite something really! um.. besides anky, the other reason i wanted to have somewhere to write apart from my journal was the obscurity and anonymity that comes with the net. i am afraid i'd have critical evaluations of what i put down but knowing its an obscure form of combat, makes me rather comfortable. why you ask?.. well my life at the moment revolves around tutorials..(those who know me know exactly the state of affairs). anyway, tutorials are subject to much critical examination by those in authority to do so and by peers as well.. the combat it results in leaves me uncomfortable and unsettled.. it's terribly painful actually. i'm hoping the blog will be this brave venture where i can write without the accompanying stress of tutorials. that reminds me i got to get back to my readings for the next one i have to write..it's way past the deadline and i reckon i will be in trouble. i will keep the blog updated with my regular anxieties.. i promise.